Tuesday, March 06, 2012

"Have You Bought A Porsche Yet?"

'Ere! You kids! Geddahtovit!'

I was amused by this list of 'tell-tale signs of middle age' in Sunday's paper.

Having checked myself against the criteria I can exclusively reveal my responses, viz....

You think it's about time you bought a nasal hair trimmer.
Sweetheart, I've had one for years
You can't sit down or stand up without making an "effort" noise.
Of course not
You write a letter to your council about rubbish collection.
I've written two!
All your friends start buying dogs.
(Thankfully not living in Yorkshire this doesn't apply)
You become a bystander to the latest trends in denim.
I have always been a bystander to the latest trends in denim
You notice your legs are going bald (men).
You have a colourist (women).
You listen to Radio 1 and don't understand any of it.
I haven't listened to Radio 1 since 1989!
You rely on the kids for IT advice.
Not really, but the eldest is good at PowerPoint
You start flossing.
You wonder if there are cruise holidays not full of senior citizens.
That's a point....
Tanktops, gilets, bodywarmers – sleeveless items of clothing begin to appeal.
No, although I have considered buying a waistcoat. Mind, I was wearing waistcoats at 25.
You know when the Chelsea Flower Show is.
Of course - Mrs H is very keen
You worry about your knees
You don't wear heels in daylight.
The first thing you read in the obituaries column is age of death.
You start getting your wine delivered.
I would, but I'm too poor
You no longer scan the room for beautiful people at a party. You're looking for a seat.
You start each day thinking you should live it like your last. But you don't.
Your ears get bigger.
Weird that
You know you haven't got a novel in you.
All your favourite TV is on Sunday night.
Is Call The Midwife back soon?

How about you?

What other 'sure-signs' are they missing?

I offer no prize for the best one, but maybe you can reward yourself with a nice hot bath and an early night.

Paul Weller - 'That Dangerous Age' (2012) [sounds like Blur]


  1. Start dreaming of owning a scooter again. Bring the subject up in an off hand way to be told, "you are now too old and fat to look anything other than ridiculous on a scooter and besides the pointing needs redone!" real conversation had a couple of nights ago

  2. oh, forgot to ask, what is a gilet?

  3. Nothing you need concern yourself about

  4. Remote controls don't make sense in the way they used to, and are typically snatched away by the kids for speedier ease of use..

    Most chart tunes sound like computer game squeaks 'n' bleeps soundtracks, with an autobot doing the top lines.

    Whenever I see a childhood icon (music, film or TV) - it's usually the same reaction: 'Christ, they look old'

  5. Also it's not unusual to do the 'arm stretch' when reading, holding items a few inches further away than I would have done backawhiles. Mrs M suggests an eye test is in order. 'It's a terrible font' is my standard bat-back

  6. I'm worried about just how much noise I make sitting down or standing up now, rather than just that it happens.

    I've never even heard of legs going bald. 'Feeks uremba' as word verification would say.

    I can add in "There are teachers in your school who you taught when they were kids" which is a bit career specific but still a bit of a worrty.

  7. I consider my prostate from time to time.
    I want to live by the sea.
    I used to love football, but can pretty much take it or leave it now.
    Does diabetes come on overnight, like?
    If I lose loads of weight will my wrinkles show up like a roof tiler's nail bag, and a turkey neck appear?
    If I have another lager, I'll be up all night pissing.
    Young women in high stilletos and tight short skirts may have a nasty tumble.
    Am I carrying an emergency aspirin for that possible heart attack?
    Must check the sell-by dates in the pantry this quarter.
    What became of creosote?
    Any more teenagers I can introduce The Jam to?
    Some of that there folk music is really quite good.
    Press the button in before applying the handbrake.
    Why didn't that woman have her purse ready after queueing to pay for 10 minutes?
    Did I bleed the radiators?
    Can I keep to a prudent 56 mph?
    How old is that bloody Prime Minister?
    I must seed those bare lawn patches.
    That Princess Anne is a fine looking filly.
    Wide-fitting shoes may help.
    That's a nice house plant.
    Tighter boxers may restrict flappage in my undercarriage dept.
    These word veri things are a right pain in the arse.

  8. It's a terrible font Dickie.

  9. I bet you've got a novel in you, though.

  10. I thought up a hundred more on the journey home. Ideas were everywhere I looked.
    Perhaps we could knock up a thin volume between us? Sort it out Davy, there's a love. You know publishing people in the smoke. We'll spend the proceeds on gin and lime and Guinness Red.

  11. Oh Dickie, what glamorous lives we shall lead!

    PS: I am minded to buy this new Weller album. I have not be so minded for a good while.

  12. PPS: There is an invigorating forum exchange regarding the demise of creosote here.

  13. Old Mr Weller (who was only 24 when I first bought one of his records) has been on top form for the last few years Davey boy. This latest album has some very sparky moments. But so have the last two as well.

    I find myself admiring (and being admired by) middle aged women. And then realising they're not sexy older women, they're my age. If not younger.

  14. I posted something which disappeared. But I basically said I find myself fancying middle aged women. And then realising they are younger than me.

  15. Would be interesting to know how old all of you actually are: without this information the comments don't make that much sense ...

  16. Not much here makes that much sense anyway Dirk.

  17. At 49 (and 5 months), I feel like Simon's big brother. I fancy 30 year old women and then .. yes, you've guessed it ... I realise they look to me in a 'fatherly' way. (Which is marginally better than, 'You're a really good friend to me').

    Although to be honest ... the worst/best part is .. I'm becoming more and more proud that they do look to me for advice and a laugh.

    NO. I'm not - that's a lie!

    Oh, and Davy, thanks for the heads-up about that enlightening forum on creosote. Fascinating stuff.

  18. forty feckin' three next month and I have just bought a new pair of TUK creepers, now there's a sign of mid-life crisis.

    Unfortunately, unlike Simon and Dickie, i can't even be bothered lusting after anyone,having realized that I couldn't be arsed with any of that trying to make myself more interesting than I really am and knowing that it wouldn't lead to anything any way!

  19. Never mind the creepers Drew- I was looking at biker boots the other day.

  20. Yes to all of them.
    Except high heels, which I still wear during the day.
    And Sunday night TV...because Take Me Out rules...

  21. the mrs tells me i did my crisis a while ago and that i seem to be alright now. i think she was referring to the past 30 years. at least. i've found embracing tweed incredibly liberating if that's any help and am seriously considering port and lemon.

  22. I'll be 50 in August.

    These words make no sense to me but are true.

    Ditto on the reading thing, I have a lot of trouble with menus in softly-lit restaurants and have to do the holding it at arms length thing THAT MY DAD DID.

  23. Hey! you are all (y'all) really young! Darcy (54).

    It's uncanny how I agreed with all your answers Davy.

    I think the waistcoat deserves further consideration too.

    Currently composing a letter to the council about our ridiculous new smaller bins.

    Great supplement Dick.

  24. I emailed the council last night about a missed bin collection. I feel like Victor Meldrew.

  25. 39 in 3 days and my legs have been bald for years (true)

  26. I'll be 44 this June and what really worries me these days is (nothing much out of the list, but) the fact that my belly grows and grows and grows and my only excuse to my wife - instead of starting some kind of sports - is that a few of my mates are even fatter than me, albeit being younger than me! Now, isn't that poor?!

    And, no, no Porsche in sight. With 43 I am pretty much as skint as I was with 20. Then again these days the money is spent on paying off the house and new shoes for Little Loser and does no longer go straight into bars and record shops. But either way, it's gone and I do wish I had some more of it for me own ...

  27. Amen to that Dirk.

    And I'll be 47 in July.

  28. my midlle age rejoiner would have to be 'fuck me, theives like us was released 26 year ago' (replace thieves like us with any song that you played to distraction when growing up.

    Oh, and i've taken to hill walking like its the one i never knew i had in me. wish i'd known when i was making all those other disastrous efforts at the sports of my yoff.

    Dickie - priceless list
    A real middle aged thing to do would be for someone to point out that song was actually 27 or 25 yrs old.
    Anto (41)

  29. *cough* 28 years old. Released April 1984.

  30. ... and also the B-Side was ten times better!!

  31. just spent a very happy hour looking at a hernb seed catalogue. haven't got a garden balcony or windowsill.

  32. herb. so excited i can't type

  33. ally
    I'm a fan of parsley. Indeed, like life, germinating parsley seed is a slow and sometimes unpredictable affair, but not that difficult if handled correctly. Keep your compost moist.

  34. I worry too much about whether it'll rain if I wear suede shoes. And, shades of Anto, I can happily spend 30 mins checking out the gear in shops such as Blacks etc.

  35. Thank goodness my Internet was down last week and I didn't have to face these uncomfortable questions... at this late date all I can add is this is no way to face a rainy Monday :) x.

  36. Greer - I recommend a quiet sit down and a nice cup of tea x


Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.